The Home Stretch

Friday afternoon feels so far away but it is so close. I will have survived my first semester in upper division.

This has been exhausting. I've had a lot of unnecessary stress during this time, so I'm sure that hasn't helped my experience any. However, I still have loved every second of being there.

Currently, I have 12 chapters of material to make sure I know backwards, forwards, inside, and out by Thursday at 8 am. Who's idea was that time?? I'm not just physically exhausted, I'm mentally exhausted. I can barely focus on anything. I just have to pull that last little bit of energy out of me to make it and then Friday night, it's me, a bottle of wine, netflix, the cat, and maybe a pizza.

The pizza is only if I can get the magically disappearing $300 back from Kangaroo and Raceway. Somehow, I purchased $300 worth of gas at these stations. McQueen doesn't hold that much gas, in fact, it only holds approximately $28 worth at a time, and I most certainly do not have $300 worth of gas in canisters somewhere. Just more unwanted stress I have to handle. I'm going to have to skip the test review in the morning to go to the bank and not only change my address but alert them to fraud on my account and fill out whatever I need to get my moneys back. Thank God I have a good bank (knock on wood) and I feel confident I'm going to get my $300 back. It's just a scary thing to realize that you are holding your debit card and somehow, not one but two gas stations have added additional charges to your card even after you cleared your information from the pump. At least the old apartment officially released me from my lease and I'll be getting back more than what was stolen in the event working with my bank or whoever proves difficult. I just pray it doesn't consume my whole two weeks off.

Notice how late I'm up? Yeah, that's because I no longer work the morning shift. In fact, this girl is on sabbatical... I guess you can call it that... maybe more like semi-sabbatical. I'm only helping out on an as needed basis so I can recharge before semester 2. This is why I saved my money up before it was stolen: so I can relax!

Washing my hands

Got my apartment emptied yesterday! Yayyyy! So glad to have that off my plate! I also found out that I have been officially released from lease and my re-let is satisfied, meaning all I have to do is turn in the keys to hell. W00t!

It took us about a half a day. A asked me if I was sad that all of my stuff fits in a Dodge van.

...No, not really. My stuff is everywhere in his apartment, and I have more stuff in Birmingham! I talked to Mum yesterday. I'm going to splurge on a u-Haul and get some of my stuff from Birmingham and an entertainment center from Montgomery. A dresser and an entertainment center is our wagon-wheel coffee table. But it's worth the trip. :) A is being such a good sport. Yesterday was a hard day and I should do something special for him. Stress has made me an evil monster and I don't like that. He has been so wonderful and supportive of me, I need to make extra sure I'm showing him how much I appreciate him.

Pricing at u-haul doesn't make much sense. To pick up a truck in Montgomery and drop off in Tuscaloosa is $294, 151 miles, and 1 day of use. To pick up in Tuscaloosa and return to Tuscaloosa is $100, 400 miles, and 3 days of use. ....the obvious choice is the latter... but I honestly expected the former to be the cheaper.

I'm so relieved to have this stress off of my mind! I can't for the words! I don't have to deal with those crazy girls anymore! I'm too old for that kind of environment. The more we move forward with this decision, the more I become reassured that A and I made the right choice; whether we preferred this timing or not, it was the right choice.

Confession: It felt really good to take the shower curtain...yeah, that was probably my favorite part... Don't judge yet (Meme). It's my curtain, I bought it, it's re-usable, and I plan on putting it up in our bathroom! However, C came in as I was leaving and went in the bathroom. I heard her shut the door and then heard her sliding the curtain that was left back and forth. Mentally I could just hear her saying, "that bitch" and I couldn't help but giggle inside. She's lucky A was there to stop me from taking the rings that held up the curtains. Those are mine, too, I don't need them, and A got me to admit I'd only take those for spite...

I can see my grandmother reading this thanking God that A was there to keep me from being vengeful and laughing at the same time. So maybe I won't tell the story about how I was drinking a beer while tearing down the shelving unit (that's mine) that shelved all of their pots and pans.

Moving Days

The closer the summer comes to an end, the busier it seems to get. Yesterday was a patho test (90! W00t!), today is moving some of my things in with A. Major problem with moving is not knowing where to put all of our things. A has a lot of stuff...

My friends and I were talking the other day about starting a time capsule type deal. Journaling all of our nursing school experiences. When we're all done, we'll sit down together with several bottles of wine and read them out loud and eat tacos!

This summer has been hard, hard, hard. I've never physically felt stress like this before. I was telling A that I didn't understand this at all, considering I've dealt with much bigger monsters and much harder obstacles in the past. That being said, the last three months in Tuscaloosa have been.... different. I'm reluctant to use "depressing". That is far from the truth. But I guess the further I get away from April 27 and the more life goes one, the more I realize that dealing with the storm is much like a grieving process. It's just one of those things everyone deals with differently. I just happen to deal with stresses like that by putting more stress on myself. Makes it easier for me to pick myself up, dust myself off, and get back on the horse again.

I guess when I think about it, the physical manifestations of the stress of this summer is probably on par or better than expected. Wish I could have had the 40 lbs weight loss again... Storm, 13 straight days of work, little time off before starting summer 1 nursing school, passing my nursing classes AND working at the same time, moving... It's been a busy summer and full of change!! with change comes beauty like a butterfly

Days go by

My drive in to work every day requires me to drive through damage from the storm. I believe I have mentioned this in a previous post. There is literally no route from my job that I can take without seeing devastation. I have to admit that it's kind of numbing to see it everyday and that seems to make everything a little bit more bearable, a bit like a seasoned doctor or nurse who sees blood everyday or sticks a needle in a vein. It's becoming normal.

I don't know if it's the stress from school, because upper division at the Capstone College of Nursing is intense, or if it's just part of the grieving process, but recently, seeing the same things I've seen everyday have stirred up some of the first identifiable emotions I've had from the storm; the shock, the heaviness in my stomach, the sadness. The sadness is always there, numb or not. But it's a rollercoaster ride and I guess right now, I'm going up a hill.

I realized today they are working on Rosedale. I don't know what words to describe because you can't tear down what's already torn down. It's more like, consolidating the piles of rubble.

Outside of Rosedale Court, April 28, 2011

It's no longer mounds of brick and wood in the now fenced in remains. It's larger mounds. They are starting to clean it up. And while I thought that it would maybe be a relief to see that debris finally disappear, I have to admit that it took my breath away.

I realized this morning that it's the change that's getting to me. It's so much change in so little time. I'm still having to learn the streets all over again because nothing is recognizable along many roads. As soon as I have begun to learn new landmarks, they change again.

This says so much to the hard-working men and women out in this 1o0 degree heat, every day, picking up the pieces of our lives and throwing them away as we all move on. The miracle that our spirits are still so high in Tuscaloosa bodes so well for our future and despite the stinging pain that finds it way up from time to time, it's going to be exciting to see what the future holds for this resilient town.

babababababa

I have the worst case of ADD today. Bad, bad timing! Last week was dead week, this week is finals. I feel like I'm so close to the end of a marathon and don't have enough strength to make it to the end!

It's so cold outside today. My original plan was to move into the library yesterday, today, and tomorrow. However, I'm so cozy in my holy pajama pants and my hot tea, I think I'll stay home with my books. I'm only leaving the house for Sitar Sunday. :) Today, I'm full of statistics, maybe I'll look at some Anthropology, and probably some Microbiology. The latter is by far my favorite class this semester.

This semester was pretty stressful. I had what should have been an interesting and easy class turned into a nightmare. I think I'm always going to have the one class in a semester that is a bigger headache than it should be. That will always leave me with zero free time and extra stress.

Dear A,

Thank you for your patience this semester, especially the last few weeks when I've wanted to blow away the crazyanthrowoman.

I love you

Now back to going, going, going, going, going, Sitar, going, going, going, going...

PS. Los Torascos has been replaced as my favorite restaurant. Shocker!!

Where's my heart rate?

Fall Break.

W00t!

How it's spent? Last night, had a party to shoot. Started off pretty easy, then turned challenging when it moved indoors and it was dark and I couldn't see to manually focus the lens. The camera couldn't see to automatically focus, either. I had a lot of hit and misses. Now I know where I need to work on my skills. Today, I have another shoot, hence the Senior portrait rant earlier. Then it's back to work to record weekend programming and remotes. Then it's me, myself, and movies! Maybe a book. Or maybe I'll be responsible and see what schoolwork I can catch up on.

I'm kind of glad to have a little time to myself. It's been really hectic lately. The marathon of tests I had the last two weeks, work, shoots, birthday parties, games, school, and the list goes on and on and on... pant pant pant It's insane! Fortunately, all the hard work and effort is paying off. Aced my Stats test, 96 on Micro, 89 on CS, and 85 on Anthro. I survived!

And the Sitar was good!

Tomorrow, we're celebrating my nephew's 2nd birthday! He's such a big man! Scratch free time activities, I have to make A's and my Halloween costumes for party...

Chew!!! Chew!!!

Somebody once told me to remember how to eat an elephant.

I'm so thankful that when I'm overwhelmed that I have that tip. This is one of those weeks. It's been hard to keep blinders on and do one thing at a time because so much is going on and it's gotten so easy to fall behind. When I look ahead, I see more things coming that will make me more overwhelmed than I already am. I just want a breather.

I'm determined to run another Mercedes. I'm working mornings and afternoons in radio. I have classes in between. Somewhere I have to study and sleep... and there is that eating thing, it's kind of important. This is one of the harder weeks I've had since my life went from a easy pace of 35 miles per hour to 135. I have back to back tests this week. Not just tests, major exams. Microbiology, CS (which is painfully easy, thank God!), and my nemesis, Anthropology.

Anthropology is the thorn in my side! It's ridiculous! Thanks to @thegeekwife who verified that it is overly complicated for an entry level course! Knowing that I'm not the only one wanted to scream at this crazy professor makes me feel more sane. This woman draws hearts on her question marks and dots her "i's" with hearts! HEARTS!!

Who does that??????? She's a college professor!! In this evil class that should be much more enjoyable and interesting, she loves to lecture and use every piece of technology in the room. She invents a lecture segment or project for each knew gadget she finds. She's never heard the term "keep it simple". Obviously. And she's prissy. I understand this is a week argument as to why she shouldn't be teaching Anthropology, but it's just annoying. It's like I'm taking a class from Elle Woods! Not to mention, this is her first year at UA. Before, she was at Indiana. For a year. As an assistant. Just an assistant. Before that? (Insert heart at bottom of question mark) She was a teacher for Kaplan, the online college... that offers easy degrees. Apparently, her only claim to fame is the time she spent in Malaysia studying nutrition.

I expect two things from her experience:

• To be able to keep an introduction to cultural Anthropology simple and to an introduction by staying away from the arguments and debates of all the theories involved in Anthropology. In an introduction, 100 level class, there is no need to be able to apply, debate, and infer a truth to any debate to Anthropology. However, if I was a graduate Anthropology student, yep, I'd see the need.
• To be able to answer questions posed in lectures and by students with out any ambiguity and to not put debatable questions on any exams.

Why do I have to spend so much time punishing myself with this course when, for me, it doesn't matter? This should be treated as a 100-level class. Ask me what theory means what, not which theory is more provable right after you tell me theories can only be disproved. Don't tell me the humans species are not dimorphic right after you tell me they are, then ask me an exam question wanting me to define humans as either dimorphic or not.

I digress. I just need to take my argument to the dean.

I was just going to write about how much is on my plate. Obviously, Anthropology is my elephant and the other items are just a la cart...

Welcome back to stress

I had this idea at the beach. I would start using OneNote to write my blogs and then just upload all of them to Blogger when I got back home. I haven't done that yet. Today's my first day back at work and I got really tired of waiting for iPhone to catch up with my typing speed on my Blogger app. Damn new update... I ended up writing ONE entry and I'll post that later.

In the end, the vacation was awesome!

I got home to a disaster, though. My patio furniture was stolen, I moved my stuff from upstairs to downstairs without a place to live since I STILL didn't have a key with hours left before I HAD to be out of the old room... My apartment management is awful! They even put me in the wrong room! So after I got permission to move my stuff, I find out I'm supposed to be in a different room THEY ASSIGNED early, despite my request MONTHS ago for the room I wanted. That office management came scarily close to seeing me lose my temper. Thank God A was there to keep me calm.

The best part about coming back home so far is the welcoming hug I got from A when I got home. I love being held that tight. I missed him.

Now I must get back to work... Corporate day...

What's new pussycat

Well, I quit my job and started a new one.

I couldn't take Corporate America's bullshit anymore. After they told me I had unkempt hair, cheap shoes, a blouse that looked like a t-shirt, and then proceeded to call me dysfunctional, I decided it was time to take my exit. I kept my pin.

I'm so glad to be out of there and at my new job. Working in radio again is awesome.

For the first time in a very long time, I'm starting to feel more comfortable with saying what I'm doing on the Internet. I feel much more comfortable saying what I'm doing and where I've been. It also helps that I've had a lot of healing in the recent weeks. Finally feeling like it doesn't matter anymore, I don't feel branded. It's nice to not have a shadow following me around anymore.

I feel quite liberated right now!

How far will I go with this comfort level? I don't know. I don't want to be stupid about some of the things in my life. I want to be able to be completely honest and get back to the old writing style I had a few years back; hopefully soon that will happen. In the meantime, I believe I will toe in gradually to explaining the awesome things in my life.

Right now, awesome number 1: I have positive people in my life now. I have a healthy relationship. It started over Chinese food and wasn't what I'd intended. Then it went to long talks and butterflies in my stomach. Now it's comfort that makes me smile and gives me excitement, along with the butterflies in my stomach.

Awesome number 2: I'm back in radio. I feel at home. Still getting back in the groove but I'm about around people who have the same personality as mine! Praise God!

Just warming up...

It's not even noon yet, as I write this, and I have so many tactless opinions to vomit currently it's not funny. Maybe I'm talking to you, maybe I'm not. Bottom line: I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, I've collectively had about 12 hours of sleep the last three days; I'm in a bad mood.

• Don't tell me that I'm under review, that I have to turn in an unknown document by Saturday or get an automatic one on my review, and then not reply to my question of WTF the document is and what I need to do SINCE I'M OFF THE REST OF THE WEEK!

• Roommates: Clean up after yourselves. Some of you live like filthy pigs. It's disgusting! I get dust bunnies, I get scraps of paper left on the floor. I'm not cleaning up your dishes anymore, I'm not paying for you to use my toilet paper, I don't want your chicken juice on my food when it's thawing, I don't want the bacteria you let fester in the kitchen near me! If the dishwasher is clean and you have a dirty dish, empty the fucking dishwasher. Simple. Takes three minutes. Then put your dirty dish in. If the dish washer's full, start it! If you wash your clothes, please be considerate of others who need to wash their clothes; don't leave a load in the washer the night before you leave on a week long trip to somewhere. You're clothes are going to mildew cause they're just going to sit on top of the dryer, wet, until you come home. We cohabitate! Be considerate! And when you take the garbage out, put another bag in the damn can! Takes two seconds! I bought the damn bags, use them!

• Political activists on the Right and Left: SHUT UP! All of you! Right side: I didn't vote for him either but remember how the last 8 years all you said was, "We should support our President even if we didn't vote for him"? Yeah, waffle if you like, I was in political talk radio then, I've got it on tape. You said it, now act on it. He's you're President, support him. You don't have to like him, you don't have to agree with him, but he is your President now. Left side: I haven't said anything negative, I haven't said he needed to be impeached, I'm quite the moderate now as I get older so, quite frankly, you're not going to sway me either way. Please don't be like the Right for the last 8 years and rubbing in that their man's in a leadership position. Both sides: GROW UP! How many years have we been protesting, starting activist groups, leading campaigns against this and lobbying for that? Put active thought into that question, consider all of the rallies, protests, and petitions you can think of. --- I'll wait.----------Now that you've put some real thought (hopefully) into old and new political war cries, how many have actually worked without voting in the person to put into action? So instead of complaining how bad our economy is and whining about who put us in that situation, how about going back to work, be productive, make money, PUT THE MONEY BACK IN THE ECONOMY and make an active effort to fix our financial problems. Stop sitting on your funds because you're afraid. It takes spending it to get the economy moving again. It's how the system is designed to work. Tea Party People: You're just crazy to think anything is going to reform there. Yeah, just get over you're ideas. Stop saying they governments after your pelf when you know that majority of you (not 100%, but majority) are of the upper-middle class and say you're now live in poverty because of the economy. Taxes aren't going any where, they aren't going to be reformed in the near future unless we get a President elected who has the support to move the Fair Tax system.

• Coworkers: I can't work on Thursdays. I never ask for Saturdays off. Stop asking me to swap my A-day with you. It's not happening. I can't work Thursdays. It requires me to be in two places at once. I can't physically do that. Write it on a post it note, put it in your phone, tattoo it on your hand, put it somewhere you can remember to look. I've been there a year now, you've each asked on more than one occasion; the answer will always be no! Not on Thursdays, not right now. I will let you know when and if that should change!

Side note: I'm listening to Beethoven's Symphony 9: IV and it's getting me more charged for my vent. I haven't sipped my coffee while I've been writing this.

• The average Tweeter: Read the links before you post the story with your opinion in 140 characters or less. I'm annoyed with the number of people reading titles, assuming they know what the article is about, putting a little opinion about it next to the bity link, and submitting. Do you have any idea how stupid you look when people actually go read the link and find out that you're opinion has zero relation to the article you posted? I should unfollow you.

• Parents: Teach your damn children how to drive better! I'm a biker, I follow the same traffic laws as automobiles. That means you treat me the same way as a automobile. I am on a vehicle. I yield for you at yield signs, you yield for me. I stop for you, you stop for me. I will stay on the sidewalks as much as possible but three different teenagers almost committed manslaughter yesterday while I was heading to and from home. What makes me nervous is that teens follow their parents behaviors; you probably don't pay attention to pedestrians and bikers either. I just hope you have good insurance and don't kill me. DrSxDP will be pissed.

That being said,

• Pedestrians: USE THE SIDEWALK AND CROSSWALKS! If you jump out in front of my bike or car in a parking lot when I'm going 5 mph and flip me off for not stopping before you do so, you are jaywalking. I'm not psychic, I don't have x-ray vision. That's why I'm going 5mph! If I'm on my bike, or if you are around any biker for that matter, don't stand still in the bike path and look at us funny when we have to slam on our brakes from hitting you. Stupid twats, you almost deserve to be hit by a car. My insurance isn't that good, though, so you're lucky around me. Though, the mood I'm in today, jump out in front me and I may speed up!

• Some friends in particular that you already know who you are and I don't have to point you out because I've already given you my two cents on your predicament(s): If you aren't going to take my advice, please stop venting to me about how you don't know how to handle something or your life is in the shitter. I am your friend and will always be there for you, however, I will not tolerate pity parties when I've already told you how to handle a problem and you refuse to do it or listen. Honestly, for some of my friends more than others, I'm honestly concerned about how adamant you are about continuing your self-deprecation. You do not live in Shittown unless you want to. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, get back on again. But remember the definition of insanity it doing the same thing over and over again. You want to stay out of Shittown? Stop focusing on the things you can't control and focus on the things you can. When you control what should be organic, you create side effects like what you're experiencing now. Stop trying and let life happen naturally. Because I love you, I'm not listening to it anymore. It may be tough love, and it may hurt, but I don't like seeing you in the place you're in right now. It's time to start accepting the changes in life and going with things instead of manipulating them

• Internet Service Provider: Get off you're lazy ass and fix my connection problems already! Geez, it's old having to swap between all of your routers every five minutes!

I feel a good bit better now. God, I love writing...

Resolution and Tension

Safe to say we've resolved our issues from yesterday. Communication works wonders.

Does make me think about how people obsess over things. I'm writing on a table that's brand new and wobbly. Someone needs to get this things exchanged. I am beginning to see how unhealthy it can really be for someone to let one subject consume their every thought. I am seeing how frustrating it is when a friend tries to help them move forward or away from the thought altogether and isn't necessarily ignore, but rather, misunderstood or only just heard.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.

I have so many more thoughts on this subject to yada yada yada about but this table is a pest.

Repletion

I have music from Diane Birch. I think I just crawled out from under a rock. I love music.

Why is it that when everything is right in your world, there is nothing to write about? I blame people's obsession with drama. Yet, I still have a lot to write about right now, however, I'm really enjoying keeping some things under my hat. Secrets are fun.

Actually, when I think about what's going on in my life, I can't help but think about where I was a year ago. Time has flown. In a few days, my life legally changed for the better. I hope I haven't taken for granted the new sense of freedom I've had from the past year. It's been a very wild ride! It's had ups and downs and last year hurt like hell but now I can sit down, look at myself, and I'm very proud of the fact that I feel like more of an individual than ever. I have my independence. I move to make Independence Day April 3! It feels so good to be able to not answer to anyone yet at the same time, I can include whomever I want in my life. I'm surrounded by people who love me and people I can relate to. I'm proud of myself for being able to step away from the people who little by little tear away at the mountain that I stand on now. I allow myself to be only around those that I allow me to be the person I've grown to be and accept all of me.

I would be a fool to miss this magic view - Diane Birch

How's the view?

I would just like to add before this is read that I am in no way directing this piece to one person in particular. It is merely a reflection I observed throughout my day. Should you read this and feel that I am directing this toward you, know that I'm not and merely considered more the reason as to why you think maybe I am. I am just as guilty of letting my bad day tell me what to do. Considering the number of letters and postings I have put up here that do sometimes antagonize people, I thought I should let you know, these are just my rambling thoughts while sipping a hot cup of chocolate...

People are too busy worried about getting their next fix. We're all in some way addicted to drama. We may be addicted to our own or reality TV drama, we may be addicted to our friends or celebrity drama unfolding. We all say we don't care. The reality is that we really do. It feels good to know that we get to be in the know or our drama makes us important. The painful truth of that matter is that other people may not care about our own personal drama but about someone else's.

We're a society so fixed on staying angry, on who wronged us. We're all guilty of it. God knows I am! We wanted the wrongs righted. We want to be able to breathe a sigh that says we championed the villain and slayed the beast the hurt us and kicked us down. The degree of the wrongs or the level rather isn't up to us to interpret, despite the fact that it's our own wrong. We may feel it's completely worth venting and spitting over while others, be it friends, acquaintances, co-workers, or even family, tell us whether or not to worry. Have you ever noticed that we never listen to what others tell us? Repeat it over and over again if you like, the degree to which you worry about it is still up to you while someone else tells you different.

The thing about drama is that we let it control our attitudes to an extent that is unhealthy. Tiger had how many hoes?? He said that to her?? I'm so angry for him!! There's this redundant saying that attitudes are contagious. The fact is that they are. And anyone who's seen Pretty Woman agrees with Julia Roberts: the bad stuff is always easier to believe. Why is that?

Because it hurts us to tell someone the truth about a matter; therefore, it should hurt someone else just as much to tell us the truth about us. In my nearly thirty years of life, this is just something I've noticed to be true in not only my own world but in the world's of my other friend's as well. We all think we're right, and maybe we are. Who's to say that in every argument, both sides are right? There can be two wrongs and there can be two rights. Just because someone calls you fat or a drama addict doesn't necessarily mean that it's wrong or right. It just means someone else sees something different than you.

When something good happens to us, we rejoice. Have you ever timed how long you were happy about something? When something positive enters our existence, the people in our environment are joyful with us. Have you ever timed how long it took someone else to tell you to calm down your own excitement? How often do we take the time to pass along our positive attitude to others? Better yet, how often have you tried and been shunned for the very idea of trying to make someone smile, even if it was just for a second? I'm guilty of not doing that enough. Sometimes it feels like when I do, I get scolded. Other times, I feel more use for myself when I know I've put a grin on some one's face and their laughter in the air.

Now think about how many times we've had a negative attitude. It's been our own personal, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Nothing can go right. Everything can go wrong. I have been the walking Murphy's law. How often are we guilty of allowing our everyday frustrations control our emotional well being? How often do we discourage those who attempt to make us feel better when they care enough to light up our eyes? I'm sorry to everyone I've ever put down for trying to put me up.

We don't realize what our own attitudes can do to others until it's been done to us. It hurts when someone doesn't realize that you care. It's so much easier for us to pay forward our bad days instead of our good and so much harder for us to appreciate those who want to cast some ray of sunshine on our cloudy, cold day. It doesn't matter if it's a right or wrong, it's a matter of dramatizing our own emotions. We blind ourselves with our own present emotional well-being to the point we can't see what we do to the attitudes of others. When we try, we learn our lesson, and make sure others learn it, too- even if they don't have to. The sad part is that because of that, we kill the potential for a happier society.

In Utopia, the criminals are the people who are raised to steal, cheat, and destroy. They are then punished for the very things that they are taught to do. They never learn to perform any differently. In today's society, the people who pay forward their good deeds are the one's punished for trying to make the unhappy happy. No good deed goes unpunished. I learned that lesson today.

There is no good timing for happiness when anger, hurt, or frustration is involved.

Just as you learned your lesson, I learned mine.

The difference in a positive attitude and a negative one is that the negative gives up while the positive keeps going. Just because someone else doesn't want to smile doesn't mean that I don't. The content inherently want to share their felicity.

Yes, we're addicted to drama. We're addicted to ourselves. Something to remember about the people who want you to smile when you are stressed, hurt, venting, getting over, or stewing over your own drama: those are the people who love you and your drama...no matter how important it really is.

I have my own faults and I have my own drama that I'm guilty of obsessing over too much. The next time someone tries to make me smile, I hope I'm not so blinded I can't remember what it's like from their view. I hope I smile back.

Snow Angels

It's snowing outside.

I live in Alabama. That means the entire state's been shut down for flurries.

I will admit though, there is a lot of snow coming down. It's just not sticking very well. It will probably be something of more concern once the roads start to freeze over tonight. That will be great for me seeing as work hasn't notified me of ANY weather plans. Love corporate America.

It's actually kind of nice to wake up and have a lazy day, listening to all the neighbors waking up and playing in the snow. There are sounds of spontaneously laughter and splatters of snow on nylon jackets outside my window. Don't have too much fun out there, guys! This morning, it was as quiet as a mouse outside. Not a peep. The snow was resting gently and collecting slowly in the grass. It would fall in the most lazy of ways to the ground, hypnotizing me as I sipped my coffee.

I feel like a bum. I haven't accomplished much with this time. However, I've actually done a lot. Oxymoron of the day. Just finishing up last minute Valentine's and playing with new software to pass the time. I'm not going anywhere if I don't have to today. It's too cold, it's too wet, and I'm comfortable right where I am.

I'm hoping I don't get snowed in this Valentine's Day weekend. I'm very excited and curious about my Valentine's gift...my curiosity is quite piqued. All I have is a riddle. I like surprises. Always making me think. If you surprise me before I figure this out, you're good. Not many people surprise me - you know why. I don't want anything to spoil tomorrow. He had so much excitement in his eyes when he was teasing me with our mystery plans. I'm excited to find out! I'll just be happy to get to spend some uninterrupted time with him - that time that seems to tick so slowly when we're together and yet I still hate it when it comes to an end.

Then Sunday, I'm going home for the day. I get to see the two other young men in my life and give them their Valentine's from their favorite Aunt.

See, this stupid snow, while peaceful today, messes up a lot of my plans!

Go away, Snow!!

Two letters

To the Fucktard:

Who do you think you are messaging me out of the blue like that and assuming that I should have waited on you? I don't read minds! I downloaded a magic 8 ball for my iPhone and still couldn't determine what exactly you expected of me. All I want is my stuff back! I gave you my address, you can mail it. You know where I live, you can drop it off. Don't you dare ask me to meet you somewhere to get it. Before you even ask, the answer is no. I don't want to see you. I don't want to breathe the same air as you - not anymore. You promised to heal my broken heart and then you shattered it even more.

It's completely disrespectful of you to ask me to drop my life for you on your timetable when a. I'm not ready and b. just because I wasn't ready then didn't mean I wouldn't have been ready later. You did me a favor. I knew about you before I accepted your phone call. I had been there before and knew what you were really like. You pretended to have changed. In the end, you are the same person you've always been: selfish, conceited, arrogant, and inconsiderate.

You loved me enough for that? You could've waited if you loved me enough. In the beginning, I told you what I what I expected. That was ultimately you're goal. You should've just let me keep my expectations rather than string me along as if you were my hero. Knights in shining armor have longer hair than you.

None of this may make any sense to you at all because you are probably to self-involved to understand what I am and I have ever tried to convey to you. Therefore I don't expect anything from you if you were to ever click on the link to lead you to this page and find this posting and actually realize that this letter is about you and you're idiocy.

You fucked up. I would have loved you more than you ever know. It was my own stupidity that I actually believed you were different. I will never make this mistake again. You missed out on someone who would have treated you as if you were a king, and your child would have been treated as a princess. I would have done anything for you given the time I needed to fully commit to you legally. You responses to me last night are the very reason I'm grateful I said no and further confirm that I was correct in my hesitation to your purity. So you fixed my car, so you fixed me dinner, so you drove to see me, so you took me to dinner and swept me off my feet. Those things and others in no realm of existence say, "I love you," like a phonecall, an answered text, an email, or a fulfilled promise of breakfast in bed.

I'd have sacrificed much for you. Thank God the real you came to the surface before I made a bigger mistake than saying I'd meet you for dinner.

You should have just gone with my speed. From the beginning. I saw your phone, I read your texts, I saw the messages from other women whom you had a good time with earlier in that week. I don't care what you say or who you are. Nothing justifies receiving an email saying I wasn't the only one you were seeing and wanting a monogamous relationship with.

Real love? You were searching so hard and soulfully for real love? Really? You had what you were looking for an instead blew it on your dating sites and secrets. I wasn't born yesterday and find it even more disrespectful that you would propose what you did with the expectations that you have and still lie to me to the very end. Fuck You. Fuck what you are. Fuck who you think are. Fuck what you think you deserve. You deserve the solitude that you put yourself in and the repercussions from that. I'm with someone now who respects me more than you can fathom the definition of that word: "esteem for a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment. The condition of being esteemed or honored: to be held in respect." **Just in case you were having trouble with the definitions, dictionary.com has a lot of these words I'm using that are above your realm of knowledge.

For you to assume that I have moved on to something less than you is evidence of your arrogance. He worships me. For you to assume he came from under a bridge? He's worth more to this world than you will ever be capable of being worth. You worry more about the fact that around Valentine's Day, I'm not with you anymore. You worry about the fact that I moved on after you fell off the face of this planet. You are bothered by the very fact that my world doesn't revolve around you anymore. Boo fucking hoo. I never did anything to warrant your Houdini tricks. You're excuse is pointless. If you really loved me enough for that proposition, you could have give me the time I asked for. Never, ever did I say, "Never." I said, "Not yet." You are the self-absorbed one. Your pragmatic nature has cost you more than you'll ever be able to recover from.

If you loved me as much as you say you did, you would've listened when I said I loved you. You would have heard me when I said I would catch up to your speed. You would have known that I wanted to say yes more than you could imagine but knew that I needed just to be with you and that be enough in order to catch up to your time frame.

I don't hate you now but I don't love you anymore. I have a strong distaste for you and your broken promises. I do wish someday you learn from your tarradiddle and errata to be the pseudo-person you promise. I won't say another word to you post this letter. I do hope this sinks into your stubborn skull and plants as a seed that will some day blossom so that your daughter won't grow up with the version of you now as her father.

For her sake, for me, please take note.
-Your biggest mistake

To most beautiful person wholly I've ever met-

I want you to know what you mean to me. I want you to know the advice once given to me to better myself in relationships has been practiced on you and you are the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. Past, past, present, present, future, future. Mia vans is mine.

I love how you and I only know what we really think. I love how you look at me and share with me your thoughts and dreams. I love that you're a gentleman. I hold my breath till the next time I get to spend with you so that I may hold my sides from laughter and add knew happy wrinkles to my smile.

You make me hold my head up high. You make me feel beautiful. You encourage me to succeed and support my goal with your respect and admiration. I've never fully accepted someone's love like I've accepted yours. I've never dived head first. Where I was left limping and shallow, you have brought new depths to my world and healed the wounds that so many have marked.

I want you to know that I appreciate everything about you. I admire you're hard work, your effort, your dreams, that you want to attain more. I relish in the fact that you have focus and fun in a happy medium. I love that you open my mind to knew and obtainable things and enjoy the simplicities of life. Cheap fun, love. I appreciate your giving nature and never want you feel taken advantage of. I want to protect you from the evils of this world that manipulate the beauty that you are. I want to make sure you are always able to flash me your Cheshire smile and energetic ways. You radiate happiness.

I will always look at robots and ruins with knew meaning. I will never again be able to look at words in the same context as before. I have learned so much from you in such a short time and can't wait to learn and grow more. You make me hungry to see what the future holds for me. You make me want to do the best I can because you believe in me. I can look at you and see into your beautiful soul the truth you exhibit in your eyes. Trevor. You make me feel OK to experience emotions and bask in the warmth of new experiences discovered with you. I love you.

What was once the four of hearts
And now has only two
Was once torn apart
Because of things askew

But with your half
I and with mine
We will laugh
The 4 with 2 combines

-hbb

Trevor

Ever had one of those connections with people that you just can't explain in any way, shape, or form?

Ever looked at someone and for a few brief seconds be able to carry an entire conversation without words?

Have you ever taken to the time to marvel at the youth of today and wonder what goes through their little minds as they make new discoveries?

Has one word ever put so many butterflies in your stomach, you lost your breath?

Ever had one project frustrate you beyond the point of determination and perseverance that success is the ONLY option?

Ever really listened to Dirty Diana?

Ever taken the time to realize that you already have the best of friends in your life, the kind of friends that watch you and support you as you grow into the person you are meant to be?

Ever miss some one's kiss so much, the electricity of it lingers on your lips until you remember to exhale...

Just random questions and ponderings lingering through my mind at this present moment while I sip on my Starbucks this morning. Seems like a lifetime has happened in the last month and I can't slow down enough to catch up on it myself!

I feel so incredibly happy right now! In the last year, I reached so many milestones through my many growing pains. I learned solitary contentment, freedom, the idiocy of decision making on smaller details when so many major problems in the world need a wiser mind than mine. I learned that I'm happy with me, that there is nothing wrong with me (other than my waistband) and that I can do whatever I want to do and not one single person in the world has a say so over that. I learned that with the freedom of my new life comes much responsibility as in that I don't want to start over again like last year. I learned that I can love if I put my mind to it and I can trust, but I have lots of room to improve in those two areas and God has put the right people in my life to help me do that. I know now that it's OK to be...different...quirky...I know someone loves all of that in me and gives me balance.

I think of my life and think of how much better I am now and realize there is so much room for me to learn so many more things in my life...I can't wait...

One night in a Gypsy caravan

I'm smiling so big right now!

After all the dissappointments and challenges that came in 2009, I can honestly say I don't feel like 2010 will be near as tough and I'm looking forward to it! It's not a resolution, it's a fact! Every year we all make resolutions to some degree; even those of us who don't believe in making a list of the things that we will add to our daily lives or change in our daily routines. We set a goal and say, "This will be the year for xyz," and wait for the year to bring it to us instead of making it happen int he 365 days that lie ahead of us.

This year, I'm making it happen. It's hard as hell. But I'm going to make this year be awesome. So far, I must say it's already happening. I had the absolute best New Year's Eve/New Year's E.V.E.R. in the history of Steph! You didn't know it was possible to elope 3 times in one night, now did you?!? I will take my coconuts and ride with Patsy into tomorrow and enjoy every moment of the ride!

It feels so exciting to see a goal is obtainable, and to see yourself making that happen. It's motivating. I say that because it's hard as hell to finish my current goal and I'm encouraging myself. Trevor.

And to you, whom I must protect from the chaos of 2009 with all my might, you make me feel like I'm floating. You have taught me much in such a short time and you have so much more to show me. I can't wait to see.

As random as this post is for the rest of everyone else, I promise that I will have many, many more stories to share. Back to the original idea of this blog; back to writing. Everything will make sense and slowly my life won't have to stay under lock and key anymore.

The Day the Music Died

So, I'm a terrible blogger.

Maybe not terrible, but not habitual like I used to be.

There is a reason for it. Are you going to get that reason? Not right now - though it would open up the door for me to write MANY more stories!

There are so many things I've needed to have been writing recently. Most of them I can't at this present time. Life is too hectic. But it does calm down. Some other things, goals, I want to write about and can't because it would compromise other positions. That makes me sound like a spy!! Cool!! Let's just say that in several months, this blog is going to read like a sick romance novel!!

I'll get Fabio to pose for the header!!!