In a small town in Alabama

Got a text from husband tonight: Going to Stephen's.

Me: Again?

That's two weeks in a row. After a bit of discussion and agreeing that he absolutely must start spending some time with me, his wife, I decided I was going out tonight.

First up on the agenda: dinner. What do I eat? When we were getting ready to close up shop at the dealership, I was listing all the different places to eat where it was kosher for people to sit by themselves. That left Panera Bread and the cafe in Barnes and Nobles. While both are absolutely delicious and I hardly ever turn down a good cup of tea, I can't really have a lot of bread, something that both the restaurants are known to furnish.

So I got to thinking about what sounded good and the first thing that popped into my head was some Thai food. But then I thought about how I want my dear, sweet, loving husband to take me to Surin Saturday night to make up for the lack of anniversary dinner on Thursday. (I'm not telling you that story so stop wondering.) I got a couple of my friends from work together and we decided on the next best thing: Sushi!

I love the sushi! Rainbow roll, tuna roll, nagiri (with the salmon); oh! Yum! One of the guys from work had never been to an actual sushi bar before and so we had to eat at the bar for the full experience. Kobe, the Japanese steak house and sushi bar, opened up a few months ago and I hadn't tried it yet; there is one in Birmingham and I had been wanting to see if this one was just as good. We decided to go there and give it a shot. We sit down, place our order and eat till the fish could reassemble in our stomachs and swim again! I must have had plenty of fish eggs floating in my eyes! I was so full!!

Then the wild hair crawled up my ass.

"Hey, William," William was enjoying his first experience in the sushi bar. "Have you ever tried octopus?"

"Only at the buffet." William has been know to frequent a local joint that serves buffet sushi, AKA crap with rice.

"If I order it, will you try it?"

"I'll eat anything!"

So I ordered octopus nagiri. The plate arrived and there it sat. William picked it up, dipped it in some soy sauce and stuffed it in his mouth. Five minutes later he was still chewing so I continued to wait to ask if it tasted alright. I've always wanted to try it, just a little afraid to.

"How is it?" I asked after a few more minutes of constant but slowing chewing.

"Not too bad," he answered between chomps, "Little chewy. Flavor's good."

OK...I picked up the last piece, dipped it and tried to take a bite out of half of the octopus. If you have ever had squid, that's the kind of chewy I tried to bite in half. It wasn't working so much for me. Finally, I was able to rip the piece in half. He was right, not too shabby of a taste, very chewy. Ten minutes later, I was able to swallow the food.

Later, we decided to go catch up with another friend of ours at a local karaoke bar. I rarely frequent these places and was expecting a younger crowd on a Friday night. I. was. wrong.

When we pulled up, the windows were tinted to block out anything going on inside. As we opened the door, cigarette smoke tumbled outside. There were two pool tables to my right where four middle-aged men, one in a leather jacket, stood staring at us with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths. The bar was on our left and there was not one seat left empty. I think we were the youngest people they had seen in awhile; I thought for a second we'd hear a record screech. All eyes were on us.

"Hey! Over here!" screamed a familiar voice. I turned to find Jennifer, the only face I knew in the unfamiliar crowd. She introduced us to everyone at her table and we sat down to join the conversation. They were discussing whether to stay at this bar or go to another one, arguably a gay bar.

"It's not gay," one man at the table said. He was tall and slender and wearing a cowboy hat. He was probably in his mid to late forties. I wondered about the hat. "It's owned by two lesbians. It ain't no gay bar."

"Well let's go on over there then!" Answered the other man. He was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans. He had salt and pepper hair and a thick mustache. He seemed a bit antsy to leave the bar we were in.

Next to him sat an older woman in pink scrubs. Her hair was cropped short and colored blond. She was nursing a glass of tequila, apparently not her first. She looked at William, "Are you singing tonight?"

"Oh, William loves to sing!" I intergected. "He has the most beautiful voice!"

I looked over at William while trying to stifle my laughs. I hadn't realized that he had the karaoke book in his hands already. He looked at me like he wished he'd had a beer bottle in his hands instead of the book. Pure fear in his eyes!

"What are you going to sing?" The woman asked him. I noticed her eyes were getting crooked; I didn't think she was sober...at all. She had a very heavy southern accent, as did all the other patrons. I felt like I was in a movie stereotype.

"Oh, William! Sing for her!" I interrupted again. "He'll bring tears to your eyes, I tell ya! He loves to sing Hal & Oates Kiss on my List!" The woman's eyes crossed even more as she processed my words and excitement showed in her smile.

Another man sitting next to the woman finally spoke up. "What are you going to sing, ma'am?" He also had on a cowboy hat, a flannel shirt and tight jeans. I'd bet a hundred dollars he had on cowboy boots but I never checked. He raised his eyebrows at me when I finally realized he was asking me his question.

"Oh," I thought quick, "I'm a mute."

"You're a wha?"

"I'm a mute."

"Oh," he looked dumb-founded. "I'm sorry to hear that."

"Yeah, me too." Don't laugh! Don't laugh!

I looked at William again and wondered if he was going to play along, too. His face was beat red; I couldn't look at him so I turned to Jennifer who wasn't paying any attention to the conversation.

Everyone paid for their tab and we headed to, Angie's, the gay/not gay bar. I really didn't know what to expect after the first bar. I wasn't drinking since I'm training and everyone else but William was so I just tried to go with it. I'm from a much bigger city than Tuscaloosa originally so the idea of a gay bar was no big deal and the concept of one being in T-town really didn't seem realistic at all so I really had no clue what we were walking into.

Again, the doors were tinted, but not so much. When we walked inside, the dance floor was immediately in front of us with a stage on our left. Several tables were pushed together and the bar was in the far back. Music was playing and I recognized the song. It was Hootie and the Blowfish, Let her cry. I looked for the karaoke stand confused for a second; the song sounded too good.

All of a sudden a short, pink streak holding a microphone breezed past us. It was a short man with a pot belly in a hot. pink. polo. shirt. singing Hootie. He held the microphone and spun around the dance floor singing the song. He sounded just like Darius Rucker but I'm quite positive there was no resemblance. He looked like he was about to break into Broadway dance moves. Several in our group immediately had to go to the bathroom.

We sat down and I looked to my right where several women sat with there girlfriends. To my left, it was a mixture of older women in clothes several sizes too small mingled with men in cowboy hats and tight jeans. What a mix!

I still didn't know what to think. Fortunately, a basketball game was playing on a huge TV directly ahead of me so I focused on it to keep myself from laughing in people's faces.

Some of the same people from the first bar followed us to the new bar. They talked Jennifer into singing. I agreed to sing if William went first. Nobody else in our group had balls. I must admit, that was the first time I've done karaoke sober!